I am so excited and I am not sure about what. I do not feel any older then yesterday. For some strange reason, the future seems bright!
No longer am I dreading tomorrow or the next day. Actually this feeling has been coming for several months.
Life is so good. I love my home and what I have done to it and had done to it. Today is the first big gathering I am having in my home since Ruben's death. This is something that I want to do very frequently. People in my home is one thing I have always wanted and hardly ever have had my whole life.
Today feels like a rebirth. Crazy lady, huh? But loving every minute of it!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
A New Year! Not so Original...
Well, here it is, the last day of 2008. My second New Years Eve with out Ruben or any significant other. I want to start living again, but I guess what I need to do is just do that.
By that I mean, I am going to have to force myself to get out even more then I have been doing. Realizing that there may never be a love interest in my life and learning to be happy with that.
I need to get the zest back into my soul and that is what is lacking, but it will come with time. With time, with time, with time!
By that I mean, I am going to have to force myself to get out even more then I have been doing. Realizing that there may never be a love interest in my life and learning to be happy with that.
I need to get the zest back into my soul and that is what is lacking, but it will come with time. With time, with time, with time!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
The Holidays are Here!
I had a wonderful Thanksgiving in Wichita. Spent a week plus with my favorite cousin, Gaile and her family. Besides relaxing and retelling family stories, we did not do a lot, but we had a great time.
It turns out that her family are quite the card and board game players. Just a little competitive. There is no beating Danielle and Denise at pictionary. You just kind of sit there and watch them set the board on fire! They are that good!
We even enjoyed a slight snow flurry. We took a couple of rides and I got to see the first home that I remember living in as a child. It actually looking very nice although it is quite small, under 1000 sq. ft. I believe. Yet it managed to have 3 bedrooms, one bath, a living area, very small breakfast nook and kitchen. Lots of good times I remember there.
I love the older homes that are in Wichita. I even briefly played around with the fantasy of moving there into an older home. Then I thought, what the ***** was I thinking?
Now I am home and back to reality. I have finished my Christmas shopping. I have decided that this year I am not decorating my home dor the holidays. My home is complete after IKE and I do not want to mess it up again.
Now I HAVE to pull together my documents so I can get the information to my CPA. For months I have put it off because it is the last legal thing I will be doing with both mine and Ruben's names on it.
I am in a good place emotionally, but I am quite lonely. Just trying to get comfortable with being truly on my own.
It turns out that her family are quite the card and board game players. Just a little competitive. There is no beating Danielle and Denise at pictionary. You just kind of sit there and watch them set the board on fire! They are that good!
We even enjoyed a slight snow flurry. We took a couple of rides and I got to see the first home that I remember living in as a child. It actually looking very nice although it is quite small, under 1000 sq. ft. I believe. Yet it managed to have 3 bedrooms, one bath, a living area, very small breakfast nook and kitchen. Lots of good times I remember there.
I love the older homes that are in Wichita. I even briefly played around with the fantasy of moving there into an older home. Then I thought, what the ***** was I thinking?
Now I am home and back to reality. I have finished my Christmas shopping. I have decided that this year I am not decorating my home dor the holidays. My home is complete after IKE and I do not want to mess it up again.
Now I HAVE to pull together my documents so I can get the information to my CPA. For months I have put it off because it is the last legal thing I will be doing with both mine and Ruben's names on it.
I am in a good place emotionally, but I am quite lonely. Just trying to get comfortable with being truly on my own.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Thirteen Years Ago Today
Well, thirteen years ago today I was at The Longhorn Saloon in Houston, dancing the night away with a very good looking cowboy wanta be who was all dressed in black. My heart soared and I felt so alive.
Yesterday would have been his 53rd birthday. I still miss him and I still love him and I still cry, but it is getting more distant. There are many times when I do not believe that I will ever feel joy again, but that is because I am still punishing myself for a lot of decisions I made in the past. At least that is what my grief therapist says.
I am working through those things, but I am still not trusting of my heart. I want to find love again, but I am being very protective of myself and according to my therapist I am really punishing myself. Before he died or even gotten ill, I had told Ruben that I didn't think I could ever trust again to love. At the time I thought it was because I couldn't trust the other person. That is part of it, but not all. As I said above, it is my heart that I do not trust.
As much as I say I want to be a part of life, I do not seem to really know how to jump in and to partake of all that is available. My life consists of me, my family, my home, and my dogs. I have no real companions other then a couple of close friends.
For a friendly, outgoing, people person I am becoming quite the recluse. Dull, but safe.
Yesterday would have been his 53rd birthday. I still miss him and I still love him and I still cry, but it is getting more distant. There are many times when I do not believe that I will ever feel joy again, but that is because I am still punishing myself for a lot of decisions I made in the past. At least that is what my grief therapist says.
I am working through those things, but I am still not trusting of my heart. I want to find love again, but I am being very protective of myself and according to my therapist I am really punishing myself. Before he died or even gotten ill, I had told Ruben that I didn't think I could ever trust again to love. At the time I thought it was because I couldn't trust the other person. That is part of it, but not all. As I said above, it is my heart that I do not trust.
As much as I say I want to be a part of life, I do not seem to really know how to jump in and to partake of all that is available. My life consists of me, my family, my home, and my dogs. I have no real companions other then a couple of close friends.
For a friendly, outgoing, people person I am becoming quite the recluse. Dull, but safe.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Another Wonderful Visit!
My kids may not want to read this, but last night I was with Ruben again.
Before he died and before he was ill, I used to have these horrible, very realistic nightmares. I would dream that he was gone and I couldn't find him. Nor did I know how to reach him. I would go into panic mode.
My heart would race and I would wonder where he went and why. For some reason, we were no longer together. Usually I would wake up next to my ex-husband and in my heart, I'd scream and wonder "where is my Ruben?".
I would almost always wake up in tears and Ruben would ask me what was wrong and as I would choke out the horror of my nightmare, he would console me and tell me, "Don't worry baby, I am not going anywhere."
Since he has died I have many variations of this dream.
I have not dreamed about him in months. At least not where he was actually in the dream until last night.
Again, I was with my ex-husband. I actually called him accidently Ruben, but he didn't notice. That is when I realized that for whatever reason, I did not love my ex-husband and no matter what, I needed to see if I could find Ruben.
I took my cell downstairs (funny, since I have a one story). I kept trying to dial his cell phone number; 832-656-2941, but I kept having trouble. Finally, I reached him, but it was a very bad connection. I told him that I really needed to see him. There was noise in the background. He knew it was me and said something I couldn't hear and the phone went dead. My heart broke.
I wandered around the house trying not to wake anyone up. Then I heard a truck outside. I went to the door, and standing in a bright light with a large work truck behind him was my Ruben. He was dressed in jeans that were starched just the way he liked them, "There's not enough startch in Kingwood", he would tell the cleaners with a smile as he'd drop off his clothes.
Then he scooped me into his arms and kissed me fiercely and lovingly. And I was so happy. It felt so right. When I told my children what was happening they were angry, but I understood. Yet I needed to do this for me. Even when I told my ex-husband, though he was angry, he told me that he understood that I needed to do what was right for me.
As my ex-husband left, friends of Ruben's from his new job came into our home with lots of food and music. I showed them the covered patio and Ruben loved it.
Then my cell phone went off and woke me up!
What I got out of this dream is that Ruben still loves me even as I am and in that regard nothing has changed. Also, whatever I do with my life, well, I have to do it for me. My hope would be that perhaps one day I will find someone who will make my heart jump and feel alive like I did with Ruben. Maybe, he will even help direct me to that person.
Whatever I do, I need to think of what is best for me first and though it sounds selfish, I need to put me at the top not the bottom of the priority list in m y life. Thanks, baby~!
Before he died and before he was ill, I used to have these horrible, very realistic nightmares. I would dream that he was gone and I couldn't find him. Nor did I know how to reach him. I would go into panic mode.
My heart would race and I would wonder where he went and why. For some reason, we were no longer together. Usually I would wake up next to my ex-husband and in my heart, I'd scream and wonder "where is my Ruben?".
I would almost always wake up in tears and Ruben would ask me what was wrong and as I would choke out the horror of my nightmare, he would console me and tell me, "Don't worry baby, I am not going anywhere."
Since he has died I have many variations of this dream.
I have not dreamed about him in months. At least not where he was actually in the dream until last night.
Again, I was with my ex-husband. I actually called him accidently Ruben, but he didn't notice. That is when I realized that for whatever reason, I did not love my ex-husband and no matter what, I needed to see if I could find Ruben.
I took my cell downstairs (funny, since I have a one story). I kept trying to dial his cell phone number; 832-656-2941, but I kept having trouble. Finally, I reached him, but it was a very bad connection. I told him that I really needed to see him. There was noise in the background. He knew it was me and said something I couldn't hear and the phone went dead. My heart broke.
I wandered around the house trying not to wake anyone up. Then I heard a truck outside. I went to the door, and standing in a bright light with a large work truck behind him was my Ruben. He was dressed in jeans that were starched just the way he liked them, "There's not enough startch in Kingwood", he would tell the cleaners with a smile as he'd drop off his clothes.
Then he scooped me into his arms and kissed me fiercely and lovingly. And I was so happy. It felt so right. When I told my children what was happening they were angry, but I understood. Yet I needed to do this for me. Even when I told my ex-husband, though he was angry, he told me that he understood that I needed to do what was right for me.
As my ex-husband left, friends of Ruben's from his new job came into our home with lots of food and music. I showed them the covered patio and Ruben loved it.
Then my cell phone went off and woke me up!
What I got out of this dream is that Ruben still loves me even as I am and in that regard nothing has changed. Also, whatever I do with my life, well, I have to do it for me. My hope would be that perhaps one day I will find someone who will make my heart jump and feel alive like I did with Ruben. Maybe, he will even help direct me to that person.
Whatever I do, I need to think of what is best for me first and though it sounds selfish, I need to put me at the top not the bottom of the priority list in m y life. Thanks, baby~!
Monday, November 3, 2008
Tomorrow
Well, America, tomorrow is the big day.
I pray that no one sits on their butts and fails to get up and go to vote. Every single vote does count and this is a privilege that millions of human beings would die to have.
I may not agree with how you vote, but I certainly respect you for voting your conscious.
God continue to bless America!
I pray that no one sits on their butts and fails to get up and go to vote. Every single vote does count and this is a privilege that millions of human beings would die to have.
I may not agree with how you vote, but I certainly respect you for voting your conscious.
God continue to bless America!
Monday, October 27, 2008
My Home is starting to come together!
Today my son-in-law and brother-in-law moved my big pieces of furniture back into place. The furniture is being positioned differently then it was before. I feel that by changing the layout, I am personalizing it as my own. It is definitely time for me.
It has been like forever since the hurricane hit and I have been camping out in my home ever since. Crazy!
Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment and then I will be showing in the afternoon.
I am anxious to get the detail pieces back into place. Some things I am not going to use anymore. One item can go on the patio, but the rest will be going in the garage to be given away. I am not going to keep my bakers rack, my replica 3 piece desk, a rod iron display stand, and a few other odds and ends.
Well, I better hit the hay. Tomorrow is a big day!
It has been like forever since the hurricane hit and I have been camping out in my home ever since. Crazy!
Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment and then I will be showing in the afternoon.
I am anxious to get the detail pieces back into place. Some things I am not going to use anymore. One item can go on the patio, but the rest will be going in the garage to be given away. I am not going to keep my bakers rack, my replica 3 piece desk, a rod iron display stand, and a few other odds and ends.
Well, I better hit the hay. Tomorrow is a big day!
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