Well, thirteen years ago today I was at The Longhorn Saloon in Houston, dancing the night away with a very good looking cowboy wanta be who was all dressed in black. My heart soared and I felt so alive.
Yesterday would have been his 53rd birthday. I still miss him and I still love him and I still cry, but it is getting more distant. There are many times when I do not believe that I will ever feel joy again, but that is because I am still punishing myself for a lot of decisions I made in the past. At least that is what my grief therapist says.
I am working through those things, but I am still not trusting of my heart. I want to find love again, but I am being very protective of myself and according to my therapist I am really punishing myself. Before he died or even gotten ill, I had told Ruben that I didn't think I could ever trust again to love. At the time I thought it was because I couldn't trust the other person. That is part of it, but not all. As I said above, it is my heart that I do not trust.
As much as I say I want to be a part of life, I do not seem to really know how to jump in and to partake of all that is available. My life consists of me, my family, my home, and my dogs. I have no real companions other then a couple of close friends.
For a friendly, outgoing, people person I am becoming quite the recluse. Dull, but safe.
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DO you think you don't trust yourself to pick the right person, or that you are not sure you want to give all of yourself to anyone again?
In the midst of drastic change it can be exhausting, confusing and challenging trying to figure out how our roles are different and exactly WHERE and HOW we fit in again.
I think Holidays make it allot harder, because of the memories, and recognition of what WON"T BE, and seeing all the couples and families can make you feel even more alone. That is how it was for me when Bill and I were seperated those 15 months.
WHO AM I??? WHAT DO I WANT NOW AND HOW CAN I ACHIEVE IT???
That takes allot of energy especially when a person may be struggling to breathe, get out of bed, or get dressed for the day.
Readjusting ( felt more like re-inventing myself) is what I had to do after the disclosure of Bill's offense, Helen's gay disclosure, my disabilities and my career loss.
I realize these are not like you losing Ruben, but they did create serious lowered self-confidence, and allot of self questioning.
Having a husband who deeply loved you and accepted you undoubtedly makes the absence even more painful. It may seem like you won't have this level/type of love again. You may or may not, but it can NEVER BE TAKEN FROM YOU, and many NEVER have it. I also think that a different type of love might not necessarily be inferior, it could be very enriching in ways we could not even conceive of.
You are very strong and quite capable of growing through this. Trust God to lead you, and ask Him to help you to trust yourself as well as to trust the PROCESS and for you to be gentle on yourself.
Love, Pam
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