Another Wonderful Visit!

My kids may not want to read this, but last night I was with Ruben again.

Before he died and before he was ill, I used to have these horrible, very realistic nightmares. I would dream that he was gone and I couldn't find him. Nor did I know how to reach him. I would go into panic mode.

My heart would race and I would wonder where he went and why. For some reason, we were no longer together. Usually I would wake up next to my ex-husband and in my heart, I'd scream and wonder "where is my Ruben?".

I would almost always wake up in tears and Ruben would ask me what was wrong and as I would choke out the horror of my nightmare, he would console me and tell me, "Don't worry baby, I am not going anywhere."

Since he has died I have many variations of this dream.

I have not dreamed about him in months. At least not where he was actually in the dream until last night.

Again, I was with my ex-husband. I actually called him accidently Ruben, but he didn't notice. That is when I realized that for whatever reason, I did not love my ex-husband and no matter what, I needed to see if I could find Ruben.

I took my cell downstairs (funny, since I have a one story). I kept trying to dial his cell phone number; 832-656-2941, but I kept having trouble. Finally, I reached him, but it was a very bad connection. I told him that I really needed to see him. There was noise in the background. He knew it was me and said something I couldn't hear and the phone went dead. My heart broke.

I wandered around the house trying not to wake anyone up. Then I heard a truck outside. I went to the door, and standing in a bright light with a large work truck behind him was my Ruben. He was dressed in jeans that were starched just the way he liked them, "There's not enough startch in Kingwood", he would tell the cleaners with a smile as he'd drop off his clothes.

Then he scooped me into his arms and kissed me fiercely and lovingly. And I was so happy. It felt so right. When I told my children what was happening they were angry, but I understood. Yet I needed to do this for me. Even when I told my ex-husband, though he was angry, he told me that he understood that I needed to do what was right for me.

As my ex-husband left, friends of Ruben's from his new job came into our home with lots of food and music. I showed them the covered patio and Ruben loved it.

Then my cell phone went off and woke me up!

What I got out of this dream is that Ruben still loves me even as I am and in that regard nothing has changed. Also, whatever I do with my life, well, I have to do it for me. My hope would be that perhaps one day I will find someone who will make my heart jump and feel alive like I did with Ruben. Maybe, he will even help direct me to that person.

Whatever I do, I need to think of what is best for me first and though it sounds selfish, I need to put me at the top not the bottom of the priority list in m y life. Thanks, baby~!